There is this question rising up: Holy or whole? These kind of questions rise always in the wrong moment – like a pop up store of a very cool brand in your neighborhood when you are actually broke and can’t afford it. Life has his own plans or maybe the universe has a special timing to teach us. I don’t know. What I know for sure is: I don’t like being surprised (or broke). Since I was a small girl I prefered to know what will happen around me, when and why. That’s why I was often playing alone: I was the leading actor, the director, the set designer, the costumes lady, the writer, the composer and the audience. I was owning my story completely. I could decide what will happen any time and anyhow – nobody messed with me.
But it was a bit boring: A smart little girl, cute and full of ideas sparkling in her mind playing all alone in a garden. In a safe garden ok. There were not a lot of other children. “That’s ok”, I used to say: “I don’t need others”, when I heard the kids of my hood playing in the street. They were screaming, yelling and having fun.
That is the tricky thing when you are smart little girl: You can cheat yourself very easily. So when I grew up, I used to ignore voices from the other side of the garden and even worse: my inner voice. It was hard for me to connect with myself or others. I developed a very clever strategy. Instead of ignoring my inner voice I reprogrammed it:
I don’t need other people or fun.
I am different.
I am on a mission.
I am too clever for this.
I will be calm and behave.
Emotions are not important.
Who needs a heart when there is a brain?
Unfortunately one day I had to leave my comfort zone garden, as I had to go to school. But since I was a clever girl I was bringing my little fence with me: I became one of the girls with glasses. Very intelligent, somehow attractive, not causing too much trouble. The nuns at my public school liked me. We had a lot in common: Control emotions as well as we can and a passion for simple black clothes. Years gone by – I finished school (no I was not entering a convent).
I spent a lot of time in Paris, when I was in my twenties. I was enjoying life AT THE FULLEST. I became a humble student during the day and a social butterfly at nights. This only happens in Paris I guess? My parisian friends admired my appearance, my wit and cleverness, but I stayed somehow disconnected with them. Why? Well I was always traveling with my little fence. It was not all bad: I never jumped out of my clothes ready to pole dance a huge Baccarat Chandelier. As I said some of my parisian friends liked to party. Are they still alive? Anyhow:
I am not a parisian social butterfly anymore. I am a grounded berlin mother. I discovered recently, that my son likes fences too. He prefers to stay alone, although he would like to be more with others. He is not very happy, even he pretends it doesn’t matter. Realizing this was very hard for me. Because: children imitate their parents. They do not do what you tell them, they repeat what you do. How you react to people and in situations is how they develop social skills. If you are lucky, brave and a bit desperate you realize: It is now or never. This is a parent turning point. You are leaving the comfort zone sector: You have to change for yourself and for your child.
Don’t applaud or envy me: I am not Mother Theresa and I feel like Elsa in Frozen, Ripley in Alien, Kermit the Frog and Mr Monk all in one person. You cannot overcome a pattern or become a whole person within 10 days. This process is hard. For you and for others. Some people are surprised and irritated, while others like that transformation. But: it is not about the others – it is about you. Only you! So if the question is stay holy and or become finally whole? Well I will answer: No more holy me and pleasing the nuns or whoever! I am too old for this – and I am too tall for that silly tiny fence. I always was. So there we go. May the transformation begin. I don’t know how it ends? But butterfly, caterpillar or whatever I will not stay alone in my garden.
This was a premier by the way. Due to rising demands my first post in english. Holy cow.
But no worries there will be still posts in german.